


Before You Go

by Not_All_Heroes_Wear_Capes



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-03
Updated: 2020-01-03
Packaged: 2021-02-27 07:34:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,901
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22093420
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Not_All_Heroes_Wear_Capes/pseuds/Not_All_Heroes_Wear_Capes
Summary: He was like the sun, always bright, even on cloudy days. He was the one that made us feel better if we were having a bad day, he was always the one with the bright smile which made us smile.
Relationships: Niall Horan/Louis Tomlinson
Kudos: 8





	Before You Go

**Author's Note:**

> Based on the song Before You Go by Lewis Capaldi.

I stand at the front of the room, my speech messily scribbled on the paper, a few tear drops from where I was crying 10 minutes before entering the little room. I look up to see everyone looking at me, I can see them all and there’s not a dry eye in the house but why would there be? It’s a sad occasion, no ones going to be smiling and laughing.

I look in the front row to see all the people that knew him the best, I can see the three boys sitting together, holding hands and silently crying. One looks like he hasn’t slept in months, another boys face isn’t as full as it used to be, bags under his eyes and the last of the three, his face is devoid of emotion and his eyes are empty. Not going to lie, it’s upsetting to see how this has affected them all.

I look at the front row to the left of me, his family are sobbing, all of them look worse than the other three. It’s horrible how what he did can affect everyone, it hurts to look at them all cause it’s evident that he’s caused them all unspeakable pain.

“Thank you for being here, the family appreciates all of those that dropped everything they were doing to be here today. I know we all wish we were here under different circumstances, but nonetheless, they are glad you’re all here. I was asked to prepare a speech for this afternoon. Now I’ve never been good at these sorts of things, the boys can confirm that, but I wanted to do this because I know he’d do it for me, for any of us.

You know, I fell by the wayside, I gave up on him when everything caught up to him. We got into a fight a week before he left us, we were hanging out at his place in London when I got a phone call from my producer, telling me I needed to hurry back to LA. Apparently a few of the tracks were scrapped from the album and I had to go fix it.

When I told him, well, he wasn’t exactly thrilled. We had planned to spend a weekend together as we hadn’t seen each other for a while, it was just mates catching up before everything got hectic again. But he didn’t like that, he kept telling me that I was selfish, and I didn’t care about anything or anyone. It got bad, it was just back and forth yelling. I’d rather not go back to that day, it hurts too much.

Anyway, just as I was about to walk out the door, he said something that I really didn’t like, so I turned around and said something I should never have said. It was along the lines of how he was the selfish one and all this other crap I shouldn’t have said. As soon as I stepped out the door, I turned around and told him that I hated him.

But that was far from the truth, I loved him of course I did. He’s one of my best mates. Anyway, I got to LA and forgot all about that fight. I thought he would too, but I forgot that his mental health wasn’t the best at the time so obviously he kept dwelling on the fight and what was said.

He called me the day after, but because I was still finishing off all the things I needed to for my album and I was still a little bit upset from the fight I wasn’t the best person to him. I said some shit to him again and he hung up but before he did, I could tell he was upset, it sounded like he had just been crying.

So I did what any person would do, I ignored him and the several other phone calls from him that day. It kept going on for a few days, he would call and I would ignore him. But mind you I did it to the other boys as well. Anyway, he facetimed me the day before we all got the call, I answered it but because I was stressed with everything it was a short conversation which ended up with me yelling at him again.

Looking back, I shouldn’t have done that. I should’ve stay on the phone a lot longer, when I hung up the look on his face was just, it wasn’t him. It wasn’t the person who was everybody’s little ray of sunshine. It was just the face of someone who was about ready to give up. But little did we know he would give up and few days later and let his mind take over and ruin him.

When I got that phone call, I was numb. I didn’t know what to do with myself, I shut down and became a robot basically. After the call was over I dropped to my knees and I sobbed, I was wailing pretty much. I was devastated, I was heartbroken, no words could describe what was going on in my mind. If anyone walked in, they would’ve thought I had just witnessed my family being murdered. I was that bad.

I must’ve been on the floor for hours just crying and cursing the world for letting someone like that become so broken they had no choice but to resort to do what he did. I don’t even know what happened, but I just remember the boys running in and falling onto the floor to pull me into their arms and try to comfort me. All of us couldn’t speak, all you could hear was heavy breathing and quiet sobs.

A part of us died that day, I think a part of everyone died that day. The fans were devastated to hear the news, all our families couldn’t believe what had happened, even celebrity friends of ours and him were devastated, all sending out tweets and heartfelt messages. We all thought it was a joke, a hoax and he’d walk through that door and make us smile after he made a fool of himself. But when it didn’t happen, that’s when it sunk in. He was gone, he was never coming back.

I have been thinking for the last two months, was there something I could’ve done or said? Could I have been a better friend? Could I have taken time out of my schedule to reassure him that I didn’t mean what I said to him? The answer to all those questions is, yes.

I wish I could’ve been the one to be in his position, he wasn’t the one out of all of us that should’ve been feeling that way. He was like the sun, always bright, even on cloudy days. He was the one that made us feel better if we were having a bad day, he was always the one with the bright smile which made us smile.

But that’s the thing with depression, you never quite know who has it and how severe it can be. It’s always the positive ones that are dealing with it. Mental health issues are real, and they do take over your mind and body. Not everybody shows signs of them, just because your smiling doesn’t mean you’re not hurting inside. He was always smiling. We never thought he’d be the one to go through what he did, he was never supposed to be made to feel worthless.

If I had just apologised for being a brat and had just spent more time making sure he was doing okay, Maura and Bobby’s son, a cousin to some cool people, I’m happy to have met, a brother who I know for a fact pissed Greg off a lot and one of the most important things to Niall, was being an uncle to Theo and even my little brother and sister.

He was our best friend, our partner in crime, our confidant, and most importantly, my soulmate and the love of my life. Yes, you heard that right, I, Louis Tomlinson, was and still am, 100% totally, crazily, truly, madly, deeply in love with Niall Horan. And now I’ll never get to tell him how much I wanted him to be mine and how much I loved him.

I wish I could hold him in my arms and tell him it’s going to be okay and he’ll get through it. I wish I could take away all his pain and make it mine. I just wish I could kiss him and laugh with him. I wish it was me and not him. I just wish he knew how loved he really was and how much we care. We wish he was still here, making us smile and laugh with his stupid antics and the way he could make everybody’s moods turn around.

Goodbye Niall, we know your looking down on us right now and your smiling. You will always be in our hearts, you may be gone, but there is no way in hell you will ever be forgotten. I mean, how could we forget you?

We all love you and we’ll all be together soon. Maybe the five of us boys can get together and be heaven’s most beloved boyband. We all know you’d like that.

We’ll miss you so much mate.”

My hands are shaking, and my throat feels tight, I let the tears fall as I drop the paper and hold onto the podium. Zayn, Harry and Liam are the first ones to come up and whisper in my ear and tell me how proud they are or me. Niall’s family aren’t too far behind, Maura and Bobby are pulling me in for a hug and are comforting me, telling me that Niall would be proud of me and my speech and about how much he loved and cared about me.

I wipe the tears from my eyes and stand up straight, I’m reminded of my mum and sisters funerals, so I head outside for some air. The boys come out and Zayn offers me a smoke, I shouldn’t do it because I know how much Niall hated it.

“You did so well mate, we are so proud of you. We love you “

“Thanks guys, love you too”

We get into our group hug but clearly there is something missing, it’s silent between the four of us before Liam comments,

“You know Niall would’ve hated this? He would’ve preferred us to go down to the pub and get fucked up and not remember what happened the morning after”

“Then he would’ve liked for us to pay tribute to him by scattering his ashes at Stamford Bridge, obviously after streaking across the field”

We all fall into each other and start laughing because it’s very true, it is what Niall would’ve wanted. Maybe we could ask Maura and Bobby if it’s a possibility, knowing those two they would say yes. As the four of us walk into the chapel, the sun shines through the clouds.

Now it may sound cheesy, but I know for a fact that’s Niall telling us that he’s looking down on us. The four of us say a silent goodbye to Niall before joining Niall’s family in remembering what a beautiful person Niall James Horan was.

**Author's Note:**

> I may or may not have cried while writing this...


End file.
